Dreams of being a baby

I'm 18.

I do adult things, work and an adult job and spend time having the responsibilities of an adult.

My boss says that I am a pleasure to work with, and that I am a responsible and quick thinking person. I have lead a bible study, worked with preteens for years and spent countless hours educating myself on phycology, first aid, and search and rescue all trying to be able to be useful when someone needs my help.

This is not an article about the things I'm good at but it is a baseline for what I am about to tell you. I can lead adults, kids, preteens, dogs, babies, horses, old people and cows but there is one thing that scares the crap outta me - leading teenagers.

People my own age scare me.

Suddenly I doubt myself and I become deeply aware of my flaws.

For instance this summer I decided to apply for a Senior Staff position in a two month mission trip through Royal Servants, a ministry I had worked with as a student. The position generally required a minimum age of 21 but I worked to get it waived because of my past experience and because I would be Medical senior staff and bring my experience as an EMT student.

All was going well at this point, after all I was working with adults, but after I finished filling out the paperwork I realized what I had just done.

I had signed up to help lead a trip of 15-30 teenagers across Europe at 18 years old! The students were ages 13-18. I could be a student. What was I thinking?!

The realization set in with surprisingly deep psychological ramifications. I soon started dreaming that I was meeting the students for the first time and when I introduced myself I morphed into a baby. After waking up in a cold sweat I realized that I needed to do something about it, so I reached out to my mentor, Alex.

She very sweetly but sternly told me that this was fear, and it was the devil who planted the seed in me. She also put all of my official qualifications to shame by telling me this:

“You are qualified because Jesus called you, not because of anything you have or haven't done in your life. If you are walking with God, the only thing you bring to the table is a surrendered heart.”

And she was absolutely right.

I dont bring experience or medical knowledge or anything else but a willing heart that is completely in love with Jesus.

And that is more than enough.

So, well the jury is still out on whether I should pack a pacifier in my bag, I do know one thing.

My age, isn't relevant.

My God, is.